Et pour sourire un peu, qui a dit que les gendarmes n'avaient pas le sens de l'humour ?
Voici quelques perles trouvées sur des formulaires de gendarmerie et écrites par des gendarmes, à propos de contrevenants plus vrais que nature ...
- "Les recherches ont permis de retrouver rapidement les 5 cadavres des 2 disparus."
- "Arrêté par les gendarmes, le voleur les a menacés d'appeler la police."
- "Le marteau utilisé était en bois sauf qu'il était en fer."
- "L'homme n'avait rien voulu nous avouer, si ce n'est deux ou trois petits crimes sans importance."
- "Le camion que nous avons inspecté transportait 30 porcs munis de leurs femmes."
- "Le récidiviste n'avait jamais rien eu à se reprocher."
- "Le militaire appréhendé était en fait curé d'une paroisse de la région."
- "Le mur avançait à grands pas vers le véhicule."
- "Trop sourd pour nous entendre, l'homme avait fini par devenir aveugle."
- "L'infraction fut constatée par la brigade deux jours avant qu'elle ait lieu."
- "Le corps fut retrouvé dans le congélateur encore chaud."
- "L'homme s'était donc noyé par pendaison."
- "N'écoutant que son courage, la brigade fut obligée de battre en retraite."
- "Malgré ses 4 frères et soeurs, le jeune homme était fils unique."
- "Personne ne connait l'identité de la victime qui vivait depuis près de dix ans dans le village et se nomme Jean-Pierre Pelprat."
- "Il quitta la gendarmerie avec l'air innocent de quelqu'un qui n'a pas la conscience tranquille."
- "Le plaignant, visiblement en état d'ébriété, prétendait s'appeler Jésus et signa le formulaire d'une croix."
- "La Sans Domicile Fixe fut incapable de nous donner une adresse valable."
- "Elle prétendait être encore vierge mais son casier judiciaire disait le contraire puisqu'elle se prostituait."
- "Il s'était servi du cric de la voiture pour lui donner gentiment plusieurs coups à la tête."
- "Ayant perdu les deux bras, le conducteur faisait de grands signes pour attirer l'attention des autres automobilistes."
- "Il rédigea lui-même par écrit son témoignage oral."
- "Agé de 92 ans, l'homme avait encore l'air d'un jeune adolescent."
- "C'est en urinant que l'homme se blessa aux yeux."
- "Jusqu'au bout l'homme répondit aimablement à toutes les questions par un grand silence."
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A FEW GEMS FROM THE "GENDARMERIE"
And now for some entertainment. Whoever said that the "gendarmes" (French public military) lacked a sense of humour ?
Below are some pure gems found on the gendarmerie forms, filled in by gendarmes, concerning bigger than life contraveners ...
- "Searches made it possible to quickly recover the 5 corpses of ... the 2 missing persons."
- "Upon arrest by the gendarmes, the robber threatened to call the ... police."
- "The hammer used was a wooden one, except that it was made ... of iron."
- "The man did not acknowledge anything to us, except ... two or three little crimes of no importance."
- "The truck that we inspected transported 30 pigs escorted by ... their wives."
- "The recidivist had never had anything to reproach himself with."
- "The soldier apprehended was in fact ... priest of a parish of the area."
- "The wall advanced with great steps towards the vehicle."
- "Too deaf to hear us, the man had ended up becoming blind."
- "The infringement was noted by the brigade two days ... before it took place."
- "The body was found in the still hot freezer."
- "The man thus drowned ... by hanging."
- "Only listening to its courage, the swat team had to ... retreat."
- "In spite of his 4 brothers and sisters, the young man was ... single child ."
- "Nobody knows the victim's identity who lived since nearly ten years in the village and whose name is Jean-Pierre Pelprat."
- "He left the gendarmerie with the innocent looks of somebody who doesn't have a clean conscience."
- "The plaintiff, obviously intoxicated, claimed to be called Jesus and signed...with a cross."
- "The homeless person was unable to give us ... a valid address."
- "She claimed to be a virgin but her criminal record stated the opposite since she prostituted herself."
- "He had used the jack of the car to ... nicely give him several blows to the head."
- "Having lost both of his arms, the driver made large signs to draw the attention of the other motorists."
- "He himself wrote on paper his ... oral testimony."
- "At 92 years old, the man still had the air of ... a young teenager."
- "When he urinated the man wounded himself ... to the eyes."
- "Until the end the man pleasantly answered to all questions by ... a great silence."
- "Upon arrest by the gendarmes, the robber threatened to call the ... police."
- "The hammer used was a wooden one, except that it was made ... of iron."
- "The man did not acknowledge anything to us, except ... two or three little crimes of no importance."
- "The truck that we inspected transported 30 pigs escorted by ... their wives."
- "The recidivist had never had anything to reproach himself with."
- "The soldier apprehended was in fact ... priest of a parish of the area."
- "The wall advanced with great steps towards the vehicle."
- "Too deaf to hear us, the man had ended up becoming blind."
- "The infringement was noted by the brigade two days ... before it took place."
- "The body was found in the still hot freezer."
- "The man thus drowned ... by hanging."
- "Only listening to its courage, the swat team had to ... retreat."
- "In spite of his 4 brothers and sisters, the young man was ... single child ."
- "Nobody knows the victim's identity who lived since nearly ten years in the village and whose name is Jean-Pierre Pelprat."
- "He left the gendarmerie with the innocent looks of somebody who doesn't have a clean conscience."
- "The plaintiff, obviously intoxicated, claimed to be called Jesus and signed...with a cross."
- "The homeless person was unable to give us ... a valid address."
- "She claimed to be a virgin but her criminal record stated the opposite since she prostituted herself."
- "He had used the jack of the car to ... nicely give him several blows to the head."
- "Having lost both of his arms, the driver made large signs to draw the attention of the other motorists."
- "He himself wrote on paper his ... oral testimony."
- "At 92 years old, the man still had the air of ... a young teenager."
- "When he urinated the man wounded himself ... to the eyes."
- "Until the end the man pleasantly answered to all questions by ... a great silence."
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